Why wait for the government to step in in times of recession or unemployment, when you can easily implement your own personal stimulus package using the same strategies employed by the leaders of our great country? It's easy, all you have to do is follow these three easy steps:
1. Pretend you don't owe anybody any money. Bills, rent, loan and credit card payments, can all wait. Becoming financially solvent is bad for you, and bad for the economy, so the first step to economic recovery is to remove all liabilities from the equation.
2. Encourage wanton consumption of consumer goods. You have only $5000 to your name, which is just enough to buy the new 60" plasma TV they have down at Best Buy! The bigger, and more unnecessary the goods, the better. Items with a high markup mean greater profits for retailers and producers alike, which translates, through the laws of trickle-down economics, to better pay and more job opportunities for you! Be careful, though, of deceptive sales or lower-priced second-hand goods. These items yield little or no profit for large corporations, which means you won't see any returns trickling back!
3. Pay less taxes, or no taxes at all! This is a simple procedure, and requires far less paperwork than one would expect. When you are hired, simply check exempt, and then don't file. You're done! By not paying taxes, your money, which would otherwise be shoveled into a furnace some 10 miles beneath the earth's crust by IRS peons, can be liberated to frolick in the free market, eventually returning to you, thankful for your good grace in not turning it over to the evil government ghestappo.
Should any of these steps fail, you still have a last option of recourse which is completely foolproof. Declare bankruptcy. Bankruptcy is a magical incantation whose origins lie beyond recorded history, but still remains a powerful tool of the financial sorcerer to this day. Simply performing this ancient rite will absolve you of all financial burden, and reverse any damage that was done. How does it work? These secrets are long since lost in the fog of time.
- Listening to: The Fat Boys
- Reading: House of Leaves
- Watching: Metropolis
- Playing: With Fire
- Eating: lead paint
- Drinking: Islay Scotch
Georgia BUSH
